I Just Can’t Do It Alone: My partner in Doing Good


justcantdoalone

This is the next installation in what is based on a true story.

Names have been changed.

As winter turned to spring in 2018 and I got to understand more of Jonah’s plight, I realized I might be in over my head.

In his young life:

He had watched the tearing apart of his family. :

An oldest brother who was profoundly autistic and needed round-the-clock care.

Divorced parents at nine.

At age 13, watching his second oldest brother’s leaving his father’s home, also at age 18 to never return.

Being taken away from his mother’s care because of her own substance abuse.

Her suicide.

And then, estrangement from his dad at 18.

Each night, I had a hard time sleeping thinking about all that trauma he had yet to process.  There are many I know who have taken in shelter dogs who suffered abuse. Here I was, with no education, psychology or social work background, thinking about taking in a human. A rescue human.

Now, looking back, when I feel like a failure, I have to repeat to myself:  I, and others, about six other families before me, in fact –  we did all we could.  Every time I feel that I failed him I circle back and repeat to myself: we could not undo in three or four months what had been damaged over the course of at least 10 years of abuse and neglect.

But we sure did try.

“Why should we wait until the end of the school year? If he is not happy in his current situation, let’s get him out of there now, let’s help him.”

Enter my helper. Sabrina.* My co-grizzly bear mamma. My … well, we had another nickname for each other, another term, I’m not sharing that.

We had met up at the Riverfront on a shivering cold but sunny March morning. With about 10,000 other protesters. March for Our Lives.  The shock of the Parkland shootings were so fresh in all our minds. The wanting and need to embrace all our terrified teenagers by doing something en mass.

Sabrina is tall. Tells it like it is and straight to the point. Spiky short hair and bright blue eyes that shine out behind a collection of the most colorful, cool, mod, rad spectacles you could ever hope to pull off the look yourself but you know you wouldn’t get away with it.

I only had heart and Google at my resources. She was a licensed social worker, had worked serving her community for years in the non-profit world and knew who to call and what to do. Her son was also friends with Jonah. For years, when Jonah would ask for a ride home, Sabrina always noticed, no matter the time of day or night, Jonah would always let himself into a dark, seemingly empty home.

Before the March headed out along the river and Hart Plaza, we shot ourselves in a selfie the best two middle-aged ladies knew how. We texted it to Jonah.

“Hi Jonah. We have a plan. Let’s get together soon.”

Over the next several months, she was my partner in all this. God bless my husband for none of this would have happened, but there was enough upheaval at work for him to invest his time and increase his stress load.

So, it was Sabrina and I who were on the phone on an almost daily basis for weeks at a time, arranging meetings with social workers, school principals and administrators.  Making doctors and dentist appointments. Two Jewish moms sometimes tripping over each other to help a kid who for so long had no mom at all to go to bat for him.

As it turned out, Sabrina’s family had also offered Jonah a place to live. They had a little more room, a lot more room and food wise, did not keep a kosher home like we did.

A crash course in keeping kosher. Now there are levels of keeping kosher. Though my family is not the most strict, we do have separate dishes, pots silverware for meat and dairy. We do not mix meat and dairy. No cheeseburgers or Parmesan anything here.

We do not bring non-kosher meat into the house. There is a way to prepare food, to clean up from the food, that keeps the kitchen kosher.

Now, what non-Jewish kid who up until a few years ago had no Jewish friends would want to put up with that on a daily basis?

Not to mention access to a car.

A car. An 18-year-old teen-aged boy and access to a car. So he could get to his job as a summer camp counselor, go out with friends, have that freedom that only a car can give you.

What 18-year-old boy is going to turn that down?

Forget it, kid. I’ll still be here, but you got offered a car? Good for you.

There is no way Jonah is going to live with us after an offer like that, I thought to myself, about a week after March for our Lives.

I was getting used to the idea of having him come to live with us. More than used to. I was starting to get attached.

I had just finished an afternoon workout at the JCC. In the shower, I told myself, this is not about YOU. This cannot be taken as a personal rejection. He has to do what is best for him.

This is not a competition.

Let him go. You’ve got enough going on.

Let him go where he wants to go.

After towelling off, I checked my phone to see there was a text from my son.

“Mom, when will you be home? We have something waiting for you, it’s a big surprise!”

 

About stacylynngittleman

I have been a public relations professional and reporter -- and always thought I would live in the New York Metro area - before my husband took a job in Rochester, New York. Most in Metro New York can't find Rochester on a map,and neither could I before we moved. I am now a columnist and a freelance writer for Rochester's only daily newspaper, the Democrat & Chronicle. I also am passionate about gardening, fitness and most of all, Jewish education and Israel Advocacy. Here's my perspective on Western New York living - the good, the bad, and the snowy.

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